Sometimes I wonder how my life would have turned out if I'd made different choices. Like if I hadn't gotten married at twenty. Or if I had decided to pursue that study-abroad program in Spain instead of getting engaged. If I had actually submitted that application to University of Florida instead of just thinking I had. If I had somehow stayed in California and actually found a job related to the graduate degree I spent forever acquiring. If I had not had a baby.
I don't regret my life. I love my husband dearly, and my daughter is more precious and beautiful to me than I would have ever thought possible. I'm thankful for the many things I have--a nice home to live in and the valuable opportunity to be home with Eowyn and help her grow every day. I'm grateful that I've been lucky enough not to make too many stupid choices. I'm grateful that Christian is such a funny, rational, loving person. I'm grateful that we're have a modicum of financial stability, and so many choices for our personal entertainment that it's staggering.
All that doesn't keep me from wondering about 'what-ifs'. Meredith and I have talked about this and both agree that we're just not cut out for the 'corporate world'. I think it's because the two main characteristics of my life over the years have been timidity and laziness (call it lack of self-discipline, to be more gentle). Also, a fear of being alone and a need to feel loved. I'm not a driven person. I just want someone to hug, who will hug me back. That doesn't keep me from wondering about all my lost potential.
I'm 27 and having a mid-life crisis.
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Wow, I can't believe you're a blogger now! After all the times we've talked about it! But, it's cool.
ReplyDeleteI would say that there are more options than just being in the corporate world or being a SAHM. I suppose you probably mean the working world in general when you say "corporate world," though? As I mentioned last night, I'm looking forward to working part-time when my kids are older, perhaps fulfilling my dream of being a librarian. That doesn't seem *too* cutthroat to me. :-)
Did you really post these at 3 in the morning??
I'm afraid this comment section will become an extension of our crazy-long conversations!
I actually posted this at 6 in the morning (Blogger works on PST, apparently.) But, I had been up since 2:30 am. I finally went back to sleep for an hour at 8:30. Just couldn't sleep last night! Most nights aren't quite that bad, fortunately.
ReplyDeleteI've got several posts scheduled for later. Didn't know whether blogging etiquette frowns on a bazillion posts followed by many days of silence.
Now, you just have to make a blog, too! :-P
Welcome to the blogging world!
ReplyDeleteJust the other day one of my friends who works a very demanding job asked if I get bored as a SAHM. I told her I don't, but then admitted that sometimes I wondered whether years from now I'd realize money and power really were what mattered and feel like I missed out. She laughed. I didn't mean to make a joke, but as soon as it came out I realized it was sort of absurd. Aren't there a million movies and songs about people who discover just the opposite? Either way, I decided that I'm really happy now, and I can't imagine anything else making me any happier, so who cares what else I could have done?